116!

I got1 116 score on TOEFL iBT (reading: 30/30, listening: 29/30, speaking: 27/30 and writing: 30/30). I guess I should be happy, but I'm not much so. I think numbers happen, what matters are humans and that cannot be quantified. I also think I got a low score for speaking part. If my writing and reading abilities rate like 30, my speaking is 30 too! Although this is not much like me at all, I was a little bit over-stressed when taking the test.

A new day

A new day has come with hopes of rebuilding the sanctuary of the dreams. Failures teach us the ways of the world so to pave the way to success. I hope I'm right this time!

Non-profitable trade

I've been selling my soul to buy memories...
http://m2x2.deviantart.com/art/Stages-of-my-life-104191259

p.s.: Also, you can see my deviantART page here:
http://m2x2.deviantart.com/

Post-stress

Today, I had the chance to do something that either would have made me very happy or put me on a lot of stress. Well, the latter happened. I felt shockwaves going up and down my nerves, I once again felt how could you collapse in a moment. If something like this happened to me before, I would have came up with a lot of philosophical essays and some poems, but now, I stand silent, just observing the environment around me, wondering what will life's next move will be.
And now, these are "post-stress" moments. Yes, the feeling you have after you had a huge stressful situation. I feel light, loose, drained of energy, drifting away. What have I done?...I will never know whether I did the right thing or not unless that one tells me.

Zenith?

An answer I gave to someone predicting current world structure has reached its zenith and that WWIII is coming:

No. The downfall of a phenomenon of this pandemic proportions normally show patterns of prevalent structural anomalies recurring over and over engendering accumulating social flux ergo accompanying internal collapse. And a war is a matter of misguidedness in the collective self-conception of a commonality, which, I do not perceive as of yet.

Losing myself

I feel so horrible, so I decided to write exactly what I felt. May that put a remedy on the wound in my soul.
Dreams; I guess they're not always a good thing. This function of compensation they have...this can be misleading somehow. Suppose you want something much, so, you dream about it. Now, you cannot behave the same way you did before, you expect something to have changed where it has not. And this makes a problem; You're no longer in the state of disappointment you were before about achieving that something and when you see the same patterns repeated, that hurts more. I was hurt this way today. Expectation; I guess that's what hurt me this much. I should not have expected any change.
And for the sake of the peace in my mind, let me write something. Let me spill it out, I guess I somehow still want something I wanted in the past. Although I have doubts, I still want it. I think I have no doubts if I do want it, I just doubt whether I should want it or not. And losing it; I want to know why losing this seems so hard and hence did never happen. I guess the thing has come to be a part of me. Losing this feels like losing a dream. A dream you had since you were a child, since you were what you are. It's just so hard.

Programmer's block

Ever heard of writer's block? Wikipedia explains it this way:

Writer's block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity.

from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Writer's_block

Well I guess I'm stuck in the same situation now, except I guess I should call it Programmer's Block instead! I want to start coding the next phase of my project but I can't. Poor me...
More importantly, I would also want to know what is the cause for this. It happens so often. I want to know the psychological dynamics that cause this!
:-(

The start

sIt has been days since I decided to open a blog now. I thought I would start with a statement of purpose why am I writing this blog, but it seems the world (or rather you yourself) do(es)n't follow the planned course. I didn't have the time nor the mood to write a statement of purpose but I wanted to make a quick post about what I felt this morning so here it goes:

After a night of despair, I was listening to a love song this morning when I suddenly realized something rather ironic considering how I felt very empty last night:
In the course of my life I had a recurring dream starting when I was a kid, probably starting concurrently with my first memories from life:

"I am descending from the cold white marble stairs in the house where I lived when I was 2 till 6 -the very first place I remember- when I suddenly jump from the middle stairs, I lose control, and I start to fly. I go out of the big wooden front door and begin to climb. Higher and higher until the big city (Athens) becomes very small in my eyes. All seems like models or toys now and I continue to go above the clouds when I realize I no longer have my own body; I am a phoenix now with a beautiful long tail of feathers, all while I felt completely emotionally detached from the events happening, feeling free (probably except when I lost control where I felt scared)."

Now, what happened this morning was that I realized that I am flying. Compared to people there usually are, I feel like I am flying where they walk on the ground. Despite moments of sadness and despair and the moments of happiness and joy, despite fears and excitements, despite laughter and tears, I guess I am living the dream of man, probably where all people desire to be deep within their hearts. The miracle has happened for me, however this life may go on. I have felt the genuine experience of man, the original feeling of life.
Now, do I feel proud or happy? No. I just feel full, meaningful. I feel the eternal wonder of man. I feel like "the wanderer in the rain" I -somehow miraculously- have come to be.